JUSTIFIED DECEPTION Read online

  "And with you in bed," Ruth clarified.

  "No. Well... yes... that is, I don't know what I'm asking,” Matt said, pacing like a caged animal. “All I know is you're different. You're important to me."

  "I see.”

  Matt stopped in front of her and said in a voice filled with expectation, "You're a passionate woman, honey, but you keep it bottled up inside. We could be good together.” Ruth backed away from him. "Let me see if I get this straight," she said, musingly. "Along with helping you with Annie, you want me be on-call for sex whenever the notion moves you, and in return you'll feed me and clothe me and give me whatever I want to make me happy here.

  I assume that will also include pay for being Annie's nanny."

  "You're twisting what I said."

  "What you said is quite clear. It's a very tempting offer, but most mistresses at least get a fancy car out of the deal."

  Matt's eyes narrowed, and the muscles in his jaws bunched. "You know damn well that"s not what I"m asking you to be."

  "Fine. Then you tell me what, exactly, it is you're asking of me," Ruth said, "because I haven't got a clue."

  "Why are you making this so complicated? Couples live together all the time."

  "Well, that"s not my style. So the way I see it, you keep your pants zipped, and I'll continue the job I was hired to do. That way no one will get hurt by anything as archaic and outmoded as falling in love and getting married. Now that would be a complication."

  Matt sighed. "Maybe I just need more time."

  "Fine. Take all the time you want," Ruth said. "I'm satisfied with things the way they are."

  "You're the most stubborn woman I've ever met."

  "Me stubborn? Hah! If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black. What's it about me that you find stubborn?"

  "This notion that love has to be a factor in a fulfilling relationship."

  "Love is a factor. Didn't you love your wife?"

  Matt looked at Ruth with a start. Then his brows gathered, and he said, "I thought I did. But at the time I was sixteen, with down for a beard, and only one thing on my mind."

  "It seems that one thing is still on your mind," Ruth groused.

  "But this time it's different. You're different. I've never met a woman like you. You're strong, and independent, and passionate. And you've managed to connect with Annie in a way no other woman ever has, not even Jody when we first got Annie."

  Ruth was on the verge of saying... I connected with her because she's my daughter... but willed herself to focus on something else. Anything. The ranch, Matt's ex-wife, the custody battle. The reason she was there. Though Bill had filled her in on some of the details about Matt's background, until now, any questions she might have asked Matt about his past would have appeared suspicious. But he'd just given her the perfect opening to ask all the questions she wanted, including questions about the adoption, though she'd have to tread carefully with that.

  Putting some space between them, she said, "I know you're a dedicated father, Matt, and I respect you for that, but just because I've managed to connect with Annie, you're asking me to stay here and share your bed, without commitment. Yet, I know little about you. I think that gives me a right to ask questions."

  "Fine. Ask all the questions you want."

  Deciding she'd start by verifying information Bill had passed on to her, she said, "Well...

  first of all, how did you meet your wife?"

  Holding her gaze, he replied, "I worked for her father."

  ...he married a rancher's daughter, divorced her and ended up with the ranch and sole custody of their daughter... Bill's words. At least Matt wasn"t lying.

  But would he reveal the rest? Tell her how he got the ranch and sole custody of Annie?

  "How old were you when you married?" she ventured.

  "Nineteen, and it was with her father's blessing," Matt replied. His eyes sharpened. "By the time I hired on she'd slept with every cowhand on the ranch. She was a couple of years older than me, but she told me early on that she'd make a man of me, show me more ways to use what I had tucked between my legs than I knew existed. And she did."

  "When you met her didn't it bother you that she had been with other men?" Ruth asked.

  Matt gave a kind of grudging laugh. "She told me early on that I had the biggest you-know-what that she'd ever seen. You can imagine what that did for a sixteen-year-old"s ego. I felt like the ranch stud. And she treated me like it too. I was obsessed with her, having her on my mind day and night. Do you have any idea what it's like for a guy to ride all day with sex on his mind?

  By the time I'd get back to the barn at night, I felt like I had a corncob shoved down my pants.

  But she'd be there to tell me she'd kiss it and make it all better. And when she did, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven."

  Ruth tried not to focus on Matt's virility, or his sexual obsession with his wife, but the images of Matt with his wife could not be dismissed. Nor could she understand why she found them so disturbing. Matt and his wife had been hot-blooded teenagers with raging hormones. Of course it would have been that way. And now she was acting like a teenager with raging hormones. It was unseemly behavior for a woman past thirty. It was also getting her off track, and there were still unanswered questions that needed to be asked.

  "How did you happen to end up with Annie and the ranch?" There, it was out. She hadn't intended to be so blunt, but she couldn't take back the words.

  "Jody's father thought I could tame some of that wild spirit of hers," Matt said, "but in the twelve years we were married, I never did. Jody left Annie and me when Annie was two-and-a-half to run off with that bastard, Wayne. He was lead guitar in an up-and-coming country and western band. Divorce papers followed."

  "And you're still angry about it."

  Matt let out a short guffaw. "No, I understand it now. But at the time, I was too caught up with my own bruised pride, wondering why I couldn't satisfy my own wife, that I failed to see that all along she'd been searching for something I couldn't give her. And I should have known.

  Many nights I'd wake up and reach for her, only to find an empty bed. But she wasn't with a man.

  She'd be sitting on the porch with her guitar, working out a song, always a song about searching for something. And in the end she got what she wanted, and so did I."

  Ruth looked at him, puzzled. "I don't understand."

  He shrugged. "Jody never liked the ranch, and her father never got over her walking out on Annie and me. He changed his will shortly after she ran off. When he died two years later, I learned that he"d left the ranch to me to pass on to Annie. It wasn't much of a place when I first married Jody though, and her father"s method of keeping records was to shove everything into as many shoeboxes as it took, but I worked my butt off, and by the time her father passed away, I don't mind saying, it was a pretty respectable spread."

  “I take it Jody has no siblings.”

  “No. She"s an only child. She gave her father hell when she was growing up. But where Jody fell short as a daughter, Annie filled in. He adored her, and she adored him. She misses him yet and so do I. He was more like a father to me than my own.” Ruth contemplated everything Matt told her. It all connected. After a few moments, she said,

  "What I don't understand is how you could marry a woman who"d slept with every cowboy on the ranch and not care if Annie and your men swim nude together. You're teaching Annie a total disregard for modesty, which can end up as an excuse for casual sex when she reaches puberty."

  Matt looked at her, contrite. "Yeah, well, I've been thinking about that too," he conceded. "I guess I never gave it much thought because Annie's still so young, but seeing her in that dress, looking so pretty and grown up... Well I got to thinking that maybe what you said... That is, what I'm trying to say is—" he stopped short and looked at her.

  Ruth waited, and after a stretch of silence, she said, "Is it so hard to admit you're wrong?

  Everyone makes mistakes.
No one's infallible."

  Matt heaved a sigh. "Okay. You win. You're right. Annie won't be swimming with the men again. Are you satisfied?"

  "Yes." Ruth smiled. She had no idea why his admission pleased her so, but it made her want to throw her arms around him and kiss him all the more. Instead, she said, "Was that so hard?"

  The way he was looking at her made her breath catch.

  "No," he replied. "What's hard is seeing you smiling at me like that and wanting to take you in my arms and kiss you senseless and... Hell, I think I will anyway." He dragged her to him, but when he went to kiss her she braced her hands against his chest. "I'm not through asking questions," she said, knowing that if he kissed her, she'd forget the questions she needed to ask.

  Matt looked at her with a blend of grudging tolerance and irritation, and said, "You know my background, my family, you're here at my home, you've seen me with Annie. What more do you need to know about me to convince you that I'm just an ordinary man?"

  "Well, not a lot really. It's just that... since I'm here as Annie's nanny, I should know a little bit about the circumstances of her adoption. Where you got her."

  Eyes narrowed, Matt said, "Annie's adoption's in the past, she's my legal daughter, and nothing more needs to be said about it."

  And Ruth knew, from the look on Matt's face, that any discussion about the circumstances surrounding Annie's adoption was closed. When she said nothing, Matt added, "This is about me, not Annie. So is there anything else you want to know about me?"

  "Well... no... I don't suppose so. But it takes time to get to know someone, and I feel like you're pressuring me into a relationship I'm not ready for. I didn't take this job because I was looking for romance. I took it because I have skills with children, especially difficult children as I told you in the interview." Ruth was pleased with her quick response. It was not so hard to twist the truth. In fact it was becoming easier each time she was forced to do so.

  "I'm not trying to press you into doing anything you don't want to do," Matt said, moving toward her, "but I think we have something special going and I don't want to lose it. And right now I just want to hold you." He pulled her to him and curved his arms around her, and Ruth made no attempt to get free. During those terrible empty years, how much she just wanted to be held just the way Matt was holding her. She tightened her arms around him, absorbing the warmth of his body against hers, the solid strength of his arms holding her. And when he bent down and kissed her, she responded by kissing him back with an intensity that seemed to release the tension that had been building.

  He kissed her jaw and her neck and the side of her face and returned to her lips, and she thrust her fingers into his hair, drawing his lips closer. As the kiss deepened, his hands seemed to be everywhere. Down her back, over her hips, cupping her buttocks and pressing her to him. But when they began unsnapping her shirt, she broke the kiss, backed out of the circle of his arms, and said, “I can"t do this.” Without waiting for his response, she rushed out of the barn and returned to the house. Yet, it would have been so easy to play by his rules. No love. No commitment. No regrets. She could continue weaving her web of deceit while searching for the truth about Annie and Beth, and if nothing came of it, she'd simply walk away from him.

  But as each day passed, her feelings for Matt were growing deeper, and with those feelings came a stronger desire to tie herself to him, body and soul, and she wondered how long she could hold out. But she already knew the answer. She'd hold out until she knew whether or not Annie was Beth. Beyond that, she refused to dwell.

  ***

  Ruth sat on the river embankment watching Annie and Matt frolicking in the water. It had been four days since her encounter with Matt in the barn, and for the most part he was giving her the space she wanted by putting no pressure on her for a physical relationship. He'd gone back to light-hearted bantering. But there were moments when he'd look at her with an intensity that told her his desire for her was mounting, just as was her desire for him. She hated this bizarre and paradoxical need for him. But the more she tried to reject it, the stronger it became. But she was determined to fight it...

  "Ready or not, here I come." Annie sprang off the embankment.

  Matt caught her in his arms. "Get ready. Here you go." He tossed her into the water.

  Annie emerged laughing. “Come on, Ruth. Jump in. Daddy'll catch you."

  "Yeah, come on, honey, I'll catch you." Matt smiled. "You can count on that."

  When Ruth remained sitting, Annie scrambled up the embankment, grabbed her hand, braced her heels in the dirt, and cried, "Come on. Daddy'll catch you. It's really fun."

  Ruth tugged against Annie's grip. "Annie, I really don't think I should."

  "Of course you should," Matt yelled. "Are you afraid I won't catch you? Believe me, you have nothing to worry about."

  Ruth looked at Annie, who was waiting expectantly, then at Matt, who looked like a tomcat on the prowl. At least he was wearing a bathing suit of sorts. He'd settled for a pair of cut-off jeans. But they were almost threadbare, and once soaked with water, they hung below his navel, emphasizing the dark line of hair that disappeared beneath the waist, clinging to that part of him she was having trouble ignoring....

  "Do it, Ruth," Annie pleaded. "Please?"

  Ruth sighed. "Okay." She glanced at Matt. "You will catch me, won't you?"

  "Do I need to answer that?" His grin said it all.

  "Okay, here I come." Ruth launched herself into the air and landed in Matt's arms. But when she looked up at him, he wasn't smiling, and neither was she.

  "This is hell," he mumbled. "When I suggested we come here, I didn't mean with Annie tagging along. We need to talk."

  "We tried that, remember?"

  "Which is why you"ve been avoiding me again, I suppose."

  “It"s easier that way.”

  Annie's voice rang out. "Throw Ruth up in the air and catch her, Daddy, like you did me."

  "We'll continue this later." He tossed Ruth in the air and caught her, one hand halfway covering her breast, the other holding her backside. He shifted her in his arms and grunted. "Like I said, this is hell. Come to my room tonight."

  “No.”

  "Then I'll come to yours."

  "No!"

  “Why? Because Annie might hear us or because I can"t make a commitment right now? You know my position on that as long as Annie's still living under my roof. After she"s gone, things will be different. You're everything I want in a wife, but not until Annie's gone. Please come to me tonight, honey. I won't press you to go beyond whatever boundaries you set. I just want to hold you."

  Matt's words tugged at her heart, and Ruth found herself saying, "All right, I'll come sometime after midnight but—"

  "Daddy get ready here I come."

  "Damn!" Matt dumped Ruth in the water and opened his arms in time to catch Annie. He tossed Annie in the air and threw her into the water, while Ruth scrambled up the embankment, her body feeling as if it were wound tighter than a spring, a spring that needed to be released.

  Although she"d started to tell Matt that she'd come to his room, but only to hold each other for a little while and talk, nothing more, she hadn"t had time to finish her sentence. Looking at Matt now, standing in the swimming hole, water rolling down his muscular chest and taut belly, his tight cutoffs delineating his lean hips and the fullness of his aroused male part, the notion of making love was beginning to take hold. It wasn"t as if she were a virgin holding out for the one true love of her life, if that notion even existed. And once her sexual needs were satisfied, if only temporarily, she could put all of her energy into searching for the truth. Maybe bedtime talk after lovemaking would bring some unexpected answers.

  With a smile of anticipation, she reached for the picnic basket and lowered herself to the towel, and a few minutes later, Matt joined her. “Are you hungry?” she asked.

  "In more ways than one." He smiled, eyes gleaming with carnal intent and added, “Besides, a gr
owing boy needs lots of food, and believe me, honey, I'm growing bigger every second I'm around you."

  Ruth scooped up some potato salad and plopped it on his plate. "Then this should take care of your problem, at least until tonight.” The words seemed to slip out, and for the moment, she had no desire to retract them.

  Matt kissed her lightly when Annie had her back turned, leaned close to her ear, and said in a deep, low voice that seemed to touch every sensuous region of her body, "And just to prove to you that my heart is captain of this ship and not my rudder, we"ll ignore that troublesome part of my anatomy for a while tonight and focus on your needs. I intend to make you tingle in places you never knew existed, and I want to kiss every place that tingles. Only then will we take care of my ongoing problem. Meanwhile here comes you-know-who."

  Ruth looked past Matt to see Annie splashing towards them. She scurried up the embankment, ran a towel over her little wet body, and sat beside Ruth. Reaching for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, she took a sizeable bite. As with Beth, Annie favored peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but begrudgingly ate other food when not given a choice.

  Annie chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and said to Matt, "Ruth told me that I remind her of a little girl she once knew named Beth, who would be my age now. She said I look like her too."

  Matt looked over Annie's head at Ruth, and said, "Was that her name?"

  Ruth shrugged, and replied, "No. Beth was a child in my neighborhood who moved away."

  Matt's eyes on Ruth, he said, "I'd like to know more about this little girl named Beth, who looked like Annie."

  Something about his tone—the cynical edge to it—alarmed Ruth. She stuffed her mouth with potato salad and mumbled, "There's really nothing to tell. She was just a little girl who lived in the neighborhood. And she didn't look all that much like Annie."

  Matt studied her for the span of several heartbeats, then said in a voice that had lost all its humor, "Then what is it about Annie that reminds you of Beth?"

  Ruth laughed lightly, "Her hair and eyes. Beth's were brown too. That's about it."

  "That's funny," Matt said, soberly. "I'd swear there was more to it."